If you’ve ever coached someone, you’d probably know this feeling.
A client is explaining why something isn’t working, and while you’re listening, you can see the problem SO clearly.
They’re saying the offer isn’t converting…
…but they’ve changed the messaging four times this month.
They’re saying they need another strategy…
…but they haven’t fully implemented the last three.
They’re convinced they need more leads…
…but they’re barely following up with the ones they already have.
And you’re sitting there thinking, “Do I just SAY it?”
I think this is one of the more interesting parts of coaching, because sometimes the thing that would serve your client most is also the thing they really don’t want to hear.
But here’s where I think coaches get it wrong..
Just because you can see something doesn’t mean your job is to tell them what you see.
At least, not immediately.
If I flat out tell someone, “You’re not following through,” I’ve given them a conclusion.
And conclusions are REALLY easy to argue with.
“Well, I have been following through…”
“It’s just been a busy month…”
“Actually, the reason I changed it was…”
Suddenly we’re debating whether my assessment of them is correct instead of looking at the thing that could actually change their results.
So rather than giving someone the conclusion, I want to help them arrive at it.
I might ask:
“How many times have you changed the messaging this month?”
“What happened each time that made you decide to change it?”
“How long did you actually give each version to work?”
And then I want to take it one step further.
- What’s the cost of that behavior?
- If they keep doing this for another six months, what happens?
- What isn’t getting built because they’re constantly starting again?
- And what might become possible if they were willing to stick with something long enough to actually get clean data from it?
Now we’re not arguing about whether they’re inconsistent.
We’re looking together at the evidence.
And they’re the one connecting the dots.
That’s a completely different coaching conversation.
Because when someone discovers something for themselves, they’re going to be far more bought into doing something about it than if I simply hand them my interpretation.
(By the way: this is also why I think some of the best coaching doesn’t happen when you’re directly coaching someone at all!)
I’ve had clients read one of my newsletters and message me afterward:
“Were you talking about me?!”
Sometimes I was addressing something I’d noticed across several clients.
Other times, I genuinely wasn’t talking about them at all.
They simply recognized themselves in it.
And there’s something powerful about giving someone enough distance from their own behavior that they can suddenly see it differently.
It’s why, if I notice a theme coming up across my client base, I might bring it into a coaching call as a lesson.
Or write about it.
Or create a training around it.
I’m still addressing the behavior, but I’m creating an opportunity for someone to discover themselves inside of the conversation rather than pointing at them and saying, “YOU’RE doing this.”
Of course, sometimes none of that is what the moment requires.
Sometimes you need to put up the mirror.
And when I know I need to be really direct with someone, I’ll usually start with:
“Would you like me to be direct with you right now?”
It’s such a simple question, but now they’ve given me permission to say the thing.
And then I can tell them exactly what I’m seeing, back it up with specific examples, and still ask questions that allow them to decide whether they see it too.
Because ultimately, my job isn’t to be right about my clients.
It’s not to spot their blind spots faster than they can and prove how perceptive I am.
My job is to help them see something they couldn’t see before, understand what it’s costing them, and decide what they want to do about it.
Sometimes that requires a question.
Sometimes it requires a lesson.
And sometimes it requires looking them straight in the eye and saying the thing they’ve been avoiding.
But the goal is always the same.
I don’t just want them to hear the truth from me.
I want them to see it for themselves.
And THAT’s how your clients will grow from the thing they don’t want to hear.
