There are going to be moments as a coach where you know you need to call someone out.
Maybe they’re not showing up how they’re meant to…
Maybe they’re repeating a behavior you’ve already addressed…
Or maybe they’re operating at a level that you KNOW they’re capable of rising above…
And sometimes you need to say something.
As coaches, we’re in the business of relationships and connection.
And part of building a strong coaching relationship is being willing to have the conversations that actually move someone forward, even when those conversations might be uncomfortable.
Because if I can see something that is getting in the way of where my client says they want to go, I don’t think it serves them for me to ignore it.
But there’s an important distinction here…
You cannot lead someone you judge.
Before I ever address something with a client, I have to look at where I’m coming from first.
If I’m frustrated with them, reacting to their behavior, or I’ve already decided what their actions mean about them, I need to clean that up before I try to coach them through it.
I need to get myself back to neutral.
Because the goal isn’t to approach the conversation thinking, “You need to stop doing this.”
It’s to be able to look at someone in their best, see the possibility that’s available to them, and then have a conversation about what’s currently getting in the way of that.
Because ultimately, I’m not bringing something up to prove that they’re wrong.
I’m bringing it up because I believe there’s something more available to them.
I remember going through a leadership program and someone asked a great question:
“What’s the difference between judgment and feedback?”
I thought judgment came with opinion, whereas feedback was simply giving someone information about what you were seeing.
But the answer they gave was:
It’s how someone receives it.
And I think about that a lot.
You can believe you’re “just giving feedback,” but if the other person experiences it as judgment, they’re probably going to have a much harder time actually hearing you.
Which is why the place you’re coming from matters so much.
Once I’m clean on that, I can address what’s actually there.
This is something I think is really important in coaching.
If all I do is point out what’s not working, I’ve shown someone the problem without helping them see the possibility on the other side of it.
So if we’re talking about how they’re showing up as a leader, for example, I don’t only want to say, “Here’s where I think you’re falling short.”
I want to bring them back to who they’ve told me they want to be.
What would leadership look like here?
How would the version of you you’re becoming handle this?
What’s the new behavior that’s available to you now?
That, to me, is what it means to call someone forward.
You’re willing to address what’s happening right now, while still holding someone to their vision, their best self and the possibility you see for them.
And I think that’s also where gentle AND firm can exist at the same time.
Gentle doesn’t mean you dance around the thing.
Similarly, firm doesn’t mean you have to make someone wrong.
You can say the thing clearly and still deliver it through the lens of love.
One of our core values is Lead With Love, and I think this is one of the places where that value matters most.
Sometimes leading with love means encouraging someone.
Sometimes it means celebrating them.
And sometimes it means being willing to have a conversation that would be much easier to avoid because you believe they’re capable of more.
That’s ultimately how I think about calling someone out.
Get yourself to a clean place first.
Address what’s there.
And then bring them up into a new possibility.
Because the goal isn’t for someone to walk away knowing what they did wrong.
It’s for them to walk away seeing what’s possible for them now.
